There are not many certainties in life, but one certainty we have is that there will be conflict in the church. In ten years of professional pastoral ministry it seems like conflict is as persistent as my chronic back pain.
Just last week I was in my board meeting informing my board about a conversation I had with a church member and about a request I had made of him. My information sharing quickly transformed into how we need a stricter policy in place for the situation I had addressed with the man. Another board member spoke up and said she agreed we needed to take a firmer position on the issue.
Those two board members spoke, I think, before recognizing that the issue would directly affect another board member’s granddaughter who was part of our church. That board member expressed her disagreement on the issue because of how it would negatively affect her granddaughter (who, in my opinion, was innocent of any wrongdoing and did not deserve to be treated this way). Before I could grasp what was occurring someone made a motion to vote, it was seconded, and the board voted to move forward with their new stricter policy.
The next several days caused problems in our church and required me to have a lunch meeting with our board chair, call the board member of the granddaughter, meet in person with her, have a long discussion about the issue with a fellow pastor, seek my wife’s advice on an issue, and I endured numerous sleepless nights.
As I share that story I’m sure you have your own story (or stories) in which you can relate. So, if we know conflict is going to occur, how can we effectively navigate it? In this article I’d like to give you two simple tips that are easy to follow which I think will help you more effectively navigate conflict in your church when it occurs.
Listen To Spiritually Mature and Active Members
When conflict occurs we need to listen for several reasons. One reason to listen is that it ensures we correctly understand the issue at hand and the perspectives involved. “Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed” (Prov 15:22).[1] Each situation is different and requires our full attention to accurately assess what is going on.
A second reason to listen is that it helps us evaluate possible solutions as well as show us potential landmines we could step on. “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel” (Prov 12:15).
A third reason to listen is that when we listen effectively to other people’s perspective, opinions, and solutions, they are more likely to listen to our perspective, opinions, and solutions. This is because people feel heard, and they know that even if you disagree with them, at least they were able to share their perspective with you. “Prepare plans by consultation, and make war by wise guidance” (Prov 20:18). People might disagree with us, but if they know we have heard their side of the issue, then they potentially will move forward with us knowing we’ve listened to them.
Follow The Direction of Spiritually Mature and Active Members
I think we as Christian leaders often incorrectly assume that since we are the leader of the church we must always follow our direction on issues. It’s as if we feel we don’t have permission to follow the direction and insight of someone who is not the leader.
In the book of 1 Kings we see an example of a leader who does not rely on the advice of men who were older and more mature than him. Solomon had died and his son Rehoboam becomes king. Young Rehoboam is faced with a problem as soon as he becomes king.
“Then Rehoboam went to Shechem, for all Israel had come to Shechem to make him king.Now when Jeroboam the son of Nebat heard of it, he was living in Egypt (for he was yet in Egypt, where he had fled from the presence of King Solomon).Then they sent and called him, and Jeroboam and all the assembly of Israel came and spoke to Rehoboam, saying, ‘Your father made our yoke hard; now therefore lighten the hard service of your father and his heavy yoke which he put on us, and we will serve you.’Then he said to them, ‘Depart for three days, then return to me.’ So the people departed” (1 Kings 12:1–5).
Next we see that Rehoboam takes time to get advice.“King Rehoboam consulted with the elders who had served his father Solomon while he was still alive, saying, ‘How do you counsel me to answer this people?’ Then they spoke to him, saying, ‘If you will be a servant to this people today, and will serve them and grant them their petition, and speak good words to them, then they will be your servants forever’” (1 Kings 12:6–8).
This sounds like good advice. But what will Rehoboam do? “But he forsook the counsel of the elders which they had given him, and consulted with the young men who grew up with him and served him.So he said to them, ‘What counsel do you give that we may answer this people who have spoken to me, saying, “Lighten the yoke which your father put on us”?’ The young men who grew up with him spoke to him, saying, ‘Thus you shall say to this people who spoke to you, saying, “Your father made our yoke heavy, now you make it lighter for us!” But you shall speak to them, “My little finger is thicker than my father’s loins!Whereas my father loaded you with a heavy yoke, I will add to your yoke; my father disciplined you with whips, but I will discipline you with scorpions”’”(1 Kings 12:9–11).
The older counselors understood the situation. They knew that Rehoboam was at a key turning point in the kingdom. The way that this new king responds to the established leaders was very important so he needed to be sensitive to that, and that’s what the older counselors were trying to tell him to do.
However, Rehoboam takes the wrong advice. It’s been said,“We make our decisions, and then our decisions turn around and make us.”[2] Think about these older men that said to make a change. They were loyal to Solomon and had served him faithfully, if they were saying to change what Solomon was doing, Solomon truly must have been taxing the people heavily with work. It says that Rehoboam“forsook” (v. 8) the advice of the older men and instead asked the opinion of the young men that he had grown up with and were his advisers.
In the end, Rehoboam takes action that benefits himself; not others. “Then Jeroboam and all the people came to Rehoboam on the third day as the king had directed, saying, ‘Return to me on the third day.’The king answered the people harshly, for he forsook the advice of the elders which they had given him,and he spoke to them according to the advice of the young men, saying, ‘My father made your yoke heavy, but I will add to your yoke; my father disciplined you with whips, but I will discipline you with scorpions.’ So the king did not listen to the people; for it was a turn of events from the Lord, that He might establish His word, which the Lord spoke through Ahijah the Shilonite to Jeroboam the son of Nebat” (1 Kings 12:12-15).
Rehoboam ignores the people’s request.The people return to hear what Rehoboam will be telling them. But it is good to remember that earlier in the passage it says that all Israel had gathered to make him king (1 Kings 12:1). They were ready to accept him as their king and follow him, they just had one request. Yet, the text says, “the king did not listen to the people” (1 Kings 12:15).
Pastor Warren Wiersbe writes, “Both in his words and his manner, the new king made it clear to the people that he was important and powerful, and they were unimportant and weak, a dangerous message indeed.”[3]
This story reminds us that it’s important to rely on the opinions and feedback from our church’s most spiritually mature and actively involved church members. Ideally, these would also be people who have a long history of involvement in our churches. Rely on their wisdom. Trust their understanding of your church’s history. Use their spiritual maturity as a resource.
Concluding Thoughts
I know these two tips might seem simple and basic. But, my hope is that these serve as reminders of something you might know is good to do while also giving you permission to do something you might not always consider.
My hope and prayer for you is not that you don’t have conflict in your church, but instead that you navigate that conflict in a healthy way. I believe that listening and following the direction from specific church members will help you to effectively navigate the conflict in your church.
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Christopher L. Scott serves as senior pastor at Lakeview Missionary Church in Moses Lake, WA. He’s the author of the book, Walking Straight When Life Goes Sideways: Essential Christian Truths for Enduring Life’s Trials (Wipf and Stock). He provides hundreds of free articles, videos, and Bible study resources at his website ChristopherLynnScott.com.
[1] Scripture taken from the New American Standard Bible, Copyright The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995. Used by permission.
[2] Frank W. Boreham, British writer
[3] Warren Wiersbe, Be Responsible (Colorado Springs, CO: David C. Cook, 2002), 115.